Dear all,We have a budding poet in our midst. Could I please ask you to encourage her by giving her some feedback? Here's the poem:
Must I abide by those rules?
Or follow my heart, which is to follow you?
I am of this generation,
of free will and freedom of speech.
Not a puppet of society, of culture weighed upon me;
but of those who birth me, fed me, sheltered me?
How do I know where to draw the line
When to end this, or save myself from these binds.
Decisions, decisions, I can't think straight
Letting go of either one, just cannot be done.
Sacrifice you? never.
Yet it's hard to distiguish, between right and wrong
Do I cast upon me a shadow of doubt
break the trust they have in me?
Help me, guide me, sue me for all I care
Just tell me how to end this heartbreak
Of yours, of mine, of theirs
Be the light, shining through a sea of darkness;
grab my arms and yank me out of this pit.
37 comments:
I think that's actually really nice! But, I don't know, maybe it's just me but I don't see any flow when I recite it to myself. But then again, I do have lots of noise around me...
However, I did love the poem!
I think its really nice aswell,it doesnt really have to have a flow there's alot of meaning to it and thats what makes it great :)
Agreeing with the first comment.
It was good, but there was no rhythm. There usually is that certain "beat" in a poem, that makes it exceptionally good, so, I think that if she rephrases some lines, and builds it on to one base, like darkness for example, or light. Of course, the poem does not need it, but it would make it an 11/10, rather than 10/10.
It was, overall, great, 10/10.
It's brilliant :)
Very deep - i love it, and no im not being biased... I like the fact that theres no flow, but its still very good work. I'm impressed that it's a student. :)
Wow. That is some emotion being portrayed. Very deep. Liked it, but would love it, if it had a little more flow, though still impressive work! :)
The thought behind the poem is really nice, emotions are strong...but the exeqcution is not brilliant.
Wow, brilliant. I am guessing that this is someone from our school. As many comments earlier it lacks a bit of rhythm, but the poem itself is brilliant.
Impressive stuff and emotions well portrayed.
Thats quite good! Compared to anything I could ever do... The person clearly has strong views of the world around them and can express it through poetry... Which only a minority can do well.
WOW!!!!! amazing descriptions of emotions, very impressive!!! you were able to create a mood and I as the reader could sense a bit of what you were feeling which is an indication of an excellent writer!!! although I have to agree with MO each poem has a lil 'beat' to it I just felt that the poem needed that rhythm!! other than that AMAZING!!!!
Like the point in it.
Yes the flow is flawed. But It's a good read.
Mr Roberts you should do this more often and ask students for there own poetry.
I know I am a good one, I use to get awards!
Wow, I LOVE this! It's really touching and meaningful!
This poem is amazing :)
I can relate to it very well and i think so can any other person who truly understands what the poem is trying to say. She is truly talented. It is very deep and meaningful actually. I LOVE IT x
Its a very good poem. I dint see a tone in it, apart from that it was good. I specially like the repetion of some words to create emphasis, like 'Birth me, fed me, sheltered me?' and 'Decisions, decisions' and 'Help me, guide me, sue me'. Very effective as it puts the reader into a thought. There are quite a few rhetorical questions which are also plus points. In the end, I would say that this person(character/poet) is a caring one who feels the need for every one
to be safe and sound through the lines 'Of yours, of mine, of theirs
Be the light, shining through a sea of darkness;
grab my arms and yank me out of
this pit.'
Good poem.
I love it. :) though the flow isnt as smooth as most poems usually turn out to be, you could feel the emotion and confusion the poet is going through. It touches and reaches out to you, and that's what makes it amazing :D
For "flow" we should stand by a river - lots of flow there. There are many other elements of the poem to consider: the tone of confusion and frustration; the earnest expression of angst; the puppet imagery; the plea for a way out of the welter of emotions; the juxtaposition of light and darkness...
I agree with the first few comments. The poem is very nice, it's something every teenager these days can relate to, but it seems to have no rhythym.
Otherwise, it does have meaning but it digresses at some point... at times there isn't just one subject in this poem.
'Birth me, fed me, sheltered me?' and 'Decisions, decisions' and 'Help me, guide me, sue me'... I do love that too.
The poem was really beautiful. The emotions, such as frustration and perplexity are perfectly described so much so that you can actually feel being torn between your parents and your love. Charmingly described, and keep up the good work!
The 'lack of flow' or 'lack of rhythm' actually makes the poem more interesting. It adds to its appeal :) (well, in my opinion anyway)..
I like the poem..the poet has really portrayed the emotions well but as everyone says there is no rhythm. Still,I liked the poem.
Aisha Bashir
10G2
I really liked the emotion expressed in this poem.
My only observation is maybe adding more imagery in the poetry, that would make it a whole lot richer.
Otherwise, for an aspiring poet , this is quite a strong debut.
The poem is lovely. There is a lot of meaning and emotion which gives a great depth. Truly a great poet amidst us.
Agreeing with the above comments. Overall a fantastic piece of work. The poem has great dept to the meaning it portrays.
Hats off to the poet :)
I enjoyed reading your positive comments and words of praise. It's nice to see this kind of peer encouragement :)
I agree with the above comments.
there doesnt really have to be a flow..Its very deep..
I liked the way the effect society has on us was described.
Beautiful poem!
I loved the way the writer has brought out the emotions through the peom.
Keep it up!
Wow, it's great! *gets jealous* :P.. i'm glad you've put it up sir, it gives us a chance to see the talent in our school and encourage it.. great rhythm and flow and perfect wording, i can clearly see the painful indecision this girl is going through.
Good Job :)
I LOVED THAT POEM. whoever you are you are amazing, keep it up! :D
Brilliant poem! I wish I could write something half as good as this! I think that a bit more usage of sensory descriptions by using metaphors and similes could have made the poem a bit stronger. But other than that this poem is great!!
It was incredible…really touching.
I loved this peom. It has a strong meaning. It's good to read such a nice poem from someone amongst us. This person is talented and should continue writing.
deep and thought provoking.
The poem is GREAT, there was a lot of emotion put into it.
"All in all, its just a..nother brick in the wall"
So familiar is this concept to me! I thought it was really good.
A poetic Che guverra perhaps?
Post a Comment